5 Ways to Kill Your Erotica Instantly

There’s this messy, nasty preconception that people who read erotica only want the blow-by-blow (excuse the pun) of sex in written form; that they really want some kind on anatomical mishmash so complex that it reads like a Picasso painting.

Well, it’s not true; if you want to ensure your readers simply cannot finish (or finish to) your erotica that’s a pretty good way to start.

In fact, if you want to basically murder all sensual and sexual tension in your writing you should just commit these 5 cardinal sins as quickly as possible;


  1. Disregard characterisation; if you really want to write ridiculous, unfulfilling erotica you should forget that your characters are meant to be people at all. Turn them into blow-up dolls with no personality or history, and certainly make sure they have no chemistry, either, or that might save the whole endeavour!
  2. Make it scientific; the penis goes there, the leg goes there, and hey presto you have a sex scene… right? Right! So just focus on which genital goes where, and don’t worry about things like sensory information or thoughts and feelings. Put the ball in the hole and move on if you want your erotica to really lack zing!
  3. Euphemisms are your best friends; if you want to write top-notch, horrifically embarrassing erotica shelve terms like penis, vagina, and breasts, instead go for “throbbing rod”, “love cave”, and “udders”. Really go wild – extra points if you never use the same term twice in the whole story!
  4. Forget  Foreplay; foreplay is a distraction from the main event. Approach erotica the same way you approach a gym session at 9pm on a Monday night; you’re tired, its effort, and really you have places to be – so just jump right in without a warm up and you’ll really slaughter your erotica’s potential.
  5. Push Plot Aside; if you really want to leave people perplexed and disappointed when it comes to your erotica then be bold and brave; dispense with the plot and jump right to the good bit. Don’t even introduce your main characters; that’ll really leave your readers in the dark!


If you do all of these things, I can assure you you’ll produce the kind of erotica that no-one else wants to read or think about… and that’s what you were going for, right?